Back to Normal

There's this feeling of uneasiness when everyone is pretending to be normal. And sometimes, not even pretending but self-coercing to collect themselves cause it is the practical way to keep moving forward. A tragedy happened? Doesn't matter. Just smother your emotions and keep marching. Be level-headed. At work, at socializing, at public places, etc - be level-headed. I don't understand how this is a way to be successful if that means to turn off a major part of your life that makes you feel alive - emotions. Let me tear up in front of you without judging me as weak. Let me get angry without judging me as unstable. Let me feel overwhelmed without judging me as anxious. Cause yesterday when I read the news about the Robb Elementary School shooting, I felt my eyes swelling up, ready to burst out in tears, ready to yell out my pain, and yet, for some unknown reasons I was holding them back. As if it's a normal reaction to contain your emotions and let it out only for a brief period and continue with your life. I couldn't anymore. I wanted to hug the kids and wanted to let them know that they won't be just another wave in the ocean that people forget to care about. That nothing will ever feel like back to normal. I am writing what I am feeling in this blog cause if I told people what I was feeling, their response would be "it's not about you". It's as if they made a profound statement and larger-than-life observation. "It's not about you". God how I hate this manipulative gas-lighting. Of course I know it's not about me but did we become so desensitized that reciprocating other people's pain is seen in a negative light? It's not about me but still I kept up all night tossing and turning. I know it's not about me but a sharp pain went across my chest when I read the news. You know what? It's about me. It's about all of us. Cause it should be. A parent losing a child should be as if you losing your child. Someone getting hurt should be as if you were getting hurt. The Robb Elementary tragedy should be a tragedy for all of us. And it's okay to feel that way. That is being back to normal.

I pray for them.